If you are offended by conversation about adult toys, go play somewhere else for a while. If you are an adult and want to hear an interesting moral to a story, read on.
It is no secret that my wife and I are married. At least the State of Texas decreed we are married and it would take 2 lawyers and a lot of money to dissolve that covenant.
Before I got marred, I had no need for adult toys to quell my "urges" now and then. So when I got married and learned women could buy just about any device available that made a buzz-hum sound shaped like all kinds of fruit and Asian animals I thought it to be quite unfair. Sure, I can have some toys now now but I would deny it vehemently like Austin Powers, "That’s not mine, baby!"
But women, you can fill your nightstand and underwear drawers with the most unusual of devices. And so my marriage started trying to hide said devices from a 4 year old and a 9 year old. Finding hiding places in a small house can be a challenge.
Eventually, we moved to our current house and we decided to put all the lotions, potions, lubes, tubes, creams, prophylactics and cleaners in one white plastic bag. After six years you want to see if there is anything better than KY. And there was, but it tended to leak.
One Friday night a year or two ago, M and her sleep over friend needed to find something in one of our bathroom cabinets. They raided mine. Since I own no toys I’ll own up to, it was a safe bet to hid the innocuous white bag in my cabinet. It blended in well with all the other junk I keep there.
M’s friends eyes grew big when she caught a glimpse of the bag and it’s contents. On examination they saw that it had in fact a sticky texture. I’m sure their imaginations went rampant with why it was sticky. Not the REAL explanation that a bottle of lube had leaked out.
Now for the adult portion of the post.
Some of us go to great lengths to conceal the truth about ourselves. We stash things away, we find places in the closet to keep so that no one but the skeletons will find it. In some instances SOME – definitely not all and definitely not without wise counsel – should be brought forward. I think it’s just better to bring those things to the middle of the room if it’s safe. Examine them, learn they aren’t so bad if we learned from them and move on.
Otherwise they can become rotten and corroded … sticky.
Edge Of The Blade 
March 13, 2008 at 6:26 pm
My wife and I had our first child in September. For to weeks after the birth my mother came and stayed with us. The purpose of her trip was to just take care the household chores so my wife could concentrate on being a new mother. Well, one day while I was at work she decided to clean my clothes closet. She happened to stumble across my pre-marriage porn stash (not porn stache). When I returned home that night I received an ear full on now that I have a daughter I should respect women more. Overall very embarssing and quite humbling.
Whats worse than your mom finding your porn collection at 31 years old? The fact she threw it away.
March 13, 2008 at 6:40 pm
Mick: We’ll observe a moment of silence for your stash not stache. Women never let you live it down either. And ya know, you can’t replace that stuff.
~Jef
March 13, 2008 at 7:02 pm
Very true. Bringing things out into the open just plain feels better too. Relief. Especially when you see that you aren’t the only one who has been hiding the exact same thing.
That said, our toys are in my husband’s nightstand. I call it “the drawer of wonders,” and I have no idea if my kids have been in it or not. I’m thinking not.
March 13, 2008 at 7:14 pm
i have never admitted this to anyone and have a hard time typing this now…when i was about 12, i found my mothers dildo. it was shaped like a banana. i am STILL traumatized by that memory 20 odd years later.
my vote is KEEP them hidden!
March 13, 2008 at 7:32 pm
Groovy: Ya, it does help to bring things out. I like the name of your drawer. Very Harry Potter-ish. Depending on their age I bet they don’t know, but a drawer is an invitation to a kid like me.
Princess: Thanks for the honesty. My SIL walked in on her parents. She still shivers when we bring it up.
Somehow I’m thinking the nightstand drawer isn’t the best place. Where do you keep yours?
~Jef
March 13, 2008 at 7:44 pm
Nothing about that embarrasses a mother of 8. You haven’t lived until your 3 year old comes into your livingroom when you have people you have never met in your life before that…. He comes in crying saying, “Mommy, I didn’t mean to! I don’t know how to turn it off!” Yes, as you can imagine, it was my vibe…. I wanted to crawl in a hole and die! It’s just part of life, but not really something that you want to share with a stranger…
March 13, 2008 at 7:46 pm
Mick, you made me giggle. We are currently looking for a new hiding place due to our recent ‘scare’ described in my last post.
Accessible but hidden is not easy.
March 13, 2008 at 7:51 pm
I had a Playboy in there that was stolen from a friends dad back in high school. It was the issue from the month and year I was born. It had been years since looking at it and the only thing I remember is an ad for Dingo cowboy boots with OJ Simpson and he had three legs.
March 13, 2008 at 9:03 pm
I have what I call a “Michael Irvin” bag and it has stayed hidden thus far. Except recently when I was cleaning a toy and left it on my bathroom sink for my daughter to see. DOH!(she didn’t mention it)
March 13, 2008 at 10:06 pm
Ok then. Since it seems safe to admit..
Hi, my name is Terri and I own sex toys. There. I said it! That was very liberating! They are in my nightstand drawer. I am seriously considering finding a new hiding place now.
March 13, 2008 at 10:13 pm
mick, i bet you’ll find your stash next time you are at your mom’s house. LOL. make sure you check her nightstand.
as for me? i actually got rid of my toys one day when i had a flash of what would happen if i died and my family had to go through my closets. my husband and i bought a porn movie when we first got married. it was called Pocahotass and had a picture of an indian maiden on the cover.
March 14, 2008 at 11:21 am
I am with princess slea. Grown-ups aren’t supposed to have sex ever. At least, that’s my viewpoint when I was a kid.
March 14, 2008 at 1:35 pm
Freak: Wooooo …. good times! I wonder if your guest was secretly thinking, “Hey, I like that model, it’s much nicer than mine.”
JLee: As long as she didn’t ask to borrow it. But how would you respond if your daughter said, “Mom, can I have a vibrator?”
Terri: I would suggest a white plastic bag under the sink, but we all know that’s not safe.
Leesa: Parents don’t have sex or fun or laugh. We never play with sex toys or watch movies. We just read the Bible all day and wear 5 pairs of underwear to bed at night under our long pajamas. ( he said with his fingers crossed behind his back )
~Jef
March 17, 2008 at 1:22 pm
I could write a book about the mishaps I’ve had and seen involving “toys”. My favorite is still the lesbian roommate whose girlfriend left the strap-on under the bed. My dog happened to drag it out while her parents (who didn’t know she was gay) were visiting. Yeah, that was interesting. LOL.
March 19, 2008 at 1:12 pm
Ha! My bestest friend knows where all our “stuff” is and knows that if the husband and I kick off at the same time, she is to go into our house commando style and remove all articles. Lest my mother find it and think we are kinky, freaky people!