"I Hold My Breath And Close My Eyes"From Gifts Cards at 7-11 To A Vasectomy Leap

Greetings Thunderheads! Notice the new blog title. Same great URL. Check the Cast of Characters today.

Quick note to AI – The War Department and Extensions are out of the known country next weekend. Maneuvers may begin Thur. – Sat.

**********Warning**************
A brief medically intense discussion about sterility matters will be discussed. Consider yourself warned.

**********Warning Off**************

I’m very punchy as one would be if they awoke at 4:00 AM to get to work by 4:45 AM to make sure a big project gets done. I don’t want to have the dime dropped on me for not getting my stuff done. So as I slam down my Swanson’s Hungry–Man Happy Meal, I’ll pontificate.

It seems there has been some confusion on one of my discussions about how a leap was made concerning yesterday’s homeless charity event and getting a vasectomy. Or So The Fish Said. ( wink! Push Beth!)

I’ll clarify, I’m getting a vasectomy tomorrow.

My fears are probably the same as any other man.

1. Make sure the Good Dr. Chan doesn’t lop anything off unnecessarily.
2. Is it really permanent?
3. How long before we’re sure my boys are out of the pool?

It’s actually a couple of other things that concern me. First, the big old shot of Novocain is daunting. I picture the chick on the Blink 182 album giving me a shot with a syringe from said album. Except I’m sure the nurse at the Good Dr. Chan’s office is probably not as good looking. Not one of those little plastic syringes with a tiny sewing needle. More like a big metal syringe with a 8 inch needle hubajoob. I have no fear of needles or pain – I once walked around for 2 days with a broken kneecap and then had 2 big syringes of liquid needled out of it. It’s sticking something sharp into the “PVT. Jef’s” that is a little disconcerting. They said I can have valium or something if I need to relax, but imagine me coming home all high and saying, “Hey kids look what happens when you go to the doctor!” That’s just a bad white-trash nightmare.

Why do we fear the sharp metal object?

I’m also I’s afraid while I’m on the novacain I’ll mess myself liquidly. Is that an issue? I’m not wearing depends tomorrow afternoon.

I’m also wondering how long it takes before this thing is really permanent. The documentation has some interesting facts and goofy pictures concerning how long it takes before you become sterile. I’d rather refer to it as being put out to pasture or out to stud, but the analogy just craters at that point.

I remember from the baby making days there was a guaranteed method to get pregnant. My wife really didn’t need this method, as we can’t let her get within 3 miles of potent men such as “D” without her getting pregnant . Basically, you count 2 weeks before ovulation and then have sexual relations every other day for 14 days. The every other day part is so that the sperm count will go up. In short, it worked for us and a bunch of other members in our church. “D” just has to look intently into women’s eyes. But it’s a scientific method, not religious.

Do you see where I am going? To decrease the supply of sperm, the logical mind will surmise that one must rid the body of said sperm and keep the count down to make sure that after the procedure there is little or no sperm left in the vas tubes. In other words, I’ve been having to go to the … um … “singles only amusement park” every night for a few days, to try and keep the sperm count low. It can take up to 20 … um … trips to the amusement park before all the sperm is out of your body.

Do the math. After surgery it’s like 2 weeks till marital fun can recommence. Let’s say, for argument sake, we make 2 trips a week to the amusement park. That’s still 12 weeks without the pleasure of marriage relations, not counting trips to the “singles only amusement park”. Nope, too long. My wife only had to wait 6 weeks when we had little “a” before I could be hot for teacher!

The other goal is to get “A” off the pill. They run out this week. So our timing appears to be good with the use of some other methods of counter-baby-making as advised by said goofy pictures and vasectomy documentation.

So all you dudes who are no longer spreading seed, is there anything I really need to be concerned about, or have I covered it all?

I’m sure this has been fascinating for you ladies as well. Do you think “A” will dig my scar? They say chicks dig scars.

Green Day “200 Light Years Away” Listen

"My Generation Will Get It Right"The Guy Needed Gas Or Crack

I had an unusual occurrence on my way to work. This guy is in the middle of the street and as I stop at the light he says the typical, “Hey dude my truck broke down and my wife and I either need a ride to my mother’s house or some money for gas.” I’m always torn by this situation.

Having been in this spot before I can tell you it’s hard to determine if this is just some crack head or if it’s the real thing. My choice of action never included giving this guy a ride. No way – no how! I could fork over $5 for gas. That’s not enough for crack, probably might buy some cigs or a 6-pack, but nothing saucier, as I assume.

So I told him to wait and I would go to 7-11 and would take care of it. 7-11 has gift cards, go figure. So I got a $5 gift card and that super limited him to what he could do. I still didn’t know how he was going to get the gas to his supposed truck.

I got the card and gave it to him. He had an astonished look on his face. I told him it would work for gas at the 7-11. I went on my way to the grocery store.

After leaving I saw him and his wife walking down the street looking at the gift card like it was some sort of alien artifact.

My guess is they bought cigarettes or beer at 7 AM…

I’m always afraid not to lend help, because you never know if the recipient really needs help. And I also think when you do that your motive is genuine even if the recipient’s is not then that’s their problem. I live in a decent house, drive a stable car and I don’t worry about food. I think I can spare $5. Maybe it will leave an impression. Or store up treasures somewhere.

Kind of curious what you would have done. I know it would have been, “keep driving,” or “stop and help,” but I wanted to know. Maybe my heart is too big.

Genesis “Land Of Confusion” Listen

"Get Thee To A Nunnery"Monday School

Yesterday was kind of a bummer for me at Sunday school. In an attempt to try and do something constructive and productive for our class at church, I decided to post prayer requests on a blog. “A” is in charge of emailing prayer requests. “A” would email them to everyone and then they would automatically get posted to the blog.

Well, the director didn’t like that for some reason and instead of contacting me privately, he laid into me in front of the whole class. It upset me. Like Woobie says, “Your apology should be as public as the sin.”

But, I wanted to be positive this morning. So for Monday school, I wanted to show you some of the funnier parts of the Bible. Today these seem comical, but they really are in the bible.

Deuteronomy 25:11-12 (New International Version)New International Version (NIV)
11 If two men are fighting and the wife of one of them comes to rescue her husband from his assailant, and she reaches out and seizes him by his private parts, 12 you shall cut off her hand. Show her no pity. (The “pity” part is hilarious to me.)

Deuteronomy 22:5 (New International Version)New International Version (NIV)
5 A woman must not wear men’s clothing, nor a man wear women’s clothing, for the LORD your God detests anyone who does this.

I also wanted to post some of what I thought were more thought provoking scripture.

On Right and Wrong … Remember because the Israelites didn’t believe in Right and Wrong they paid for it.

Judges 17:6 (New American Standard Bible)New American Standard Bible (NASB)
6In those days (A)there was no king in Israel; (B)every man did what was right in his own eyes.

I like this group, the Bereans. They didn’t just take your word for it. They looked it up and made you prove it was true.

Acts 17:11 (New International Version)New International Version (NIV) 11Now the Bereans were of more noble character than the Thessalonians, for they received the message with great eagerness and examined the Scriptures every day to see if what Paul said was true.

What you say tells me a lot about what you are putting in your mind. I remind “M” of this when she wants to listen to “Fitty” or MTV and i get convicted personally all the time.

Matthew 12:34 (New International Version)New International Version (NIV)
34You brood of vipers, how can you who are evil say anything good? For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks.

Finally, this is the most inspiring scripture in the Bible to me.

Hebrews 10:39 (New International Version)New International Version (NIV) 39But we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed, but of those who believe and are saved.

Have a good week and pray for someone you love and someone you don’t.

Shakespeare Hamlet, 3. 1

"High On A Hill Stood A Lonely Goat Heard"The Week Ahead

Ok, so I don’t really feel like posting today, but I’m going to. I just feel pretty agitated lately. I don’t know why. I just do. This week I have my vasectomy. Should I post pictures? Hmmm …

As such, I wanted to give you a couple of neat things to think about concerning where I want to visit before I die – and hopefully that’s not on the table getting my privates sliced on. That reminds me of the sound Fat Ba$tard makes when he gets kicked in the jewels. Oooohhhhhh!

If there are 2 places besides Ireland I want to visit it’s Engelberg, Switzerland and some place in Indiana for the last football game of the season between Wabash and DePauw. If you are not familiar with this rivalry, I’ll quickly fill you in or let you read the history. It’s 2 small schools in Indiana that play for a train bell that was once attached to the train that connected the towns. The series is at 51-50-9. The table doesn’t look good in blogger that I wanted to include, so I won’t post it. It’s a good old style game. I learned about it in 1994 when I saw the game televised on ESPN 2. The stands would shake when someone scored a touchdown. I don’t know whom I will root for when I get there, but I am sure it will be fun. Included are also some pictures.

Check out the History of the game.

And then there is Engelberg, Switzerland…

I toured Europe when I was 18 in a wind band. That’s like a high school band. I absolutely fell in love with this place. It was exactly what I needed at that time in my life. I hope you get to go there soon too.

Not much to say. It’s just one of the coolest places on Earth.

Harry Connick Jr. “Lonely Goatherd” Listen

"I Fought The Law And The Law Won"BUSTED!

Imagine my surprise when I went to a certain blog site this morning doing my daily catch-up of my blogosphere people, when I see a reference to me. I’ll print the reference edited for my own anonymity.

DON’T MESS WITH [Blogger]

On my 5th cross country drive, I finally realized my goal of driving all the way through Texas without stopping. No peeing, no gas, nothing. Ha! Take that, Texas! None of my money going into your coffers! I hate you!

(I’ve noticed on Sitemeter that someone from [Big School] reads this periodically, and I’m sorry–both that I’ve probably offended you and that you have to live in Texas. Seriously, nothing good has ever come out of Texas. Except Buddy Holly. And Lloyd Bentsen.)

My first reaction was surprise. The second was, “Wow, weblogs tell all!” It was kind of cool to be referred to individually. But the honor was kind of tainted as our grand and glorious state’s name was sullied by the likes of someone from Yankee-land! Her trip across the I-40 part of the panhandle is not scenic if you have ever driven it. (And Oklahoma was a sight for sore eyes?)

My response – posted anonymously – was that there were other Texans of note she might prefer and that I hope she reserved judgment on Texas after she had seen more of the state.

Since this post is written in such a hurried fashion, I’m not able to really know how MY readers feel about her post, but will pass them along as long as you leave me some comments. I expect nothing less than full-fledged fury from some of you!

Not looking to start another civil war, but hey, the gauntlet is thrown.

I’ll post another time this weekend since I deprived you of a post this week.

Lots of stuff getting done on Big Project and no time to write. Thanks for the reads and comments.

Bryan Adams “I Fought The Law” Listen

Autobiographical Nonsense

This one’s for Duane.

1. Legal First name? Jeffrey
2. Were you named after anyone? Nope
3. Do you wish on stars? Yes
4. When did you last cry? Last week
6. What is your favorite lunch meat? Pastrami
7. What is your birth date? October 16th
8. What is your most embarrassing CD? Shania Twain – The Woman In Me
9. If you were another person, would YOU be friends with you? I might be
11. Do you use sarcasm a lot? Yes
12. What are your nicknames? Jefe
13. Would you bungee jump? Nope
14. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? Used to, not now. Dress shoes yes.
15. Do you think that you are strong? Stronger than who?
16. What is your favorite ice cream flavor? Anything with caramel, marshmallows and hot fudge
17. Shoe Size? 8
18. Red or pink? Red
19. What is your least favorite thing about yourself? My mind
20. Who do you miss most? My grandmother
21. **removed**
22. What color pants and shoes are you wearing? grey shorts, grey tennis shoes
23. What are you listening to right now? Silence
24. Last thing you ate? spaghetti and meat sauce
25. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Bold Cobalt Blue
26. What is the weather like right now? HOT
27. Last person you talked to on the phone? My Wife
28. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex? Face
29. Do you like the person who sent this to you? Very Much
30. Favorite Drink? Root Beer
32. Hair Color? Light Brown/Auburn
34. Do you wear contacts? No
35. Favorite Food? Fried stuff and Indian
36. Last Movie You Watched? National Treasure
37. Favorite Day Of The Year? My birthday
38. Scary Movies Or Happy Endings? Happy Endings
39. Summer Or Winter? Winter
40. Hugs OR Kisses? Kisses
41. What Is Your Favorite Dessert? Crème Brule and Peach Crepes
42. Who Is Most Likely To Respond? Don’t know
43. Who Is Least Likely To Respond? The President of the United States
44. Living Arrangements? House with kids and dogs
45. What Books Are You Reading? Born in Blood : The Lost Secrets of Freemasonry (See #36)
46. What’s On Your Mouse Pad? Dirt
47. What Did You Watch Last night on TV? Read a book
48. Favorite Smells? A girl wearing Lauren perfume and chewing bubble gum.
49. Favorite junk food. Donuts
50. Rolling Stones or Beatles? Beatles
51. What’s the farthest you’ve been from home? Vienna, Austria
52. Do you have a special talent? Yes, I can finish a jingle from the 70’s and 80’s and interpret dreams sometimes at the same time.
53. Important Numbers? 4
54. Obscure song you wish everyone liked? Dominated Love Slave – Green Day

"Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go"Gay Or Not Gay?

“Pakistani men take bath to cool down from a severe heat wave in the capital Islamabad June 21, 2005.”

Gay Or Not Gay?

Wham! “Wake Me Up Before You Go” Listen

"Too Much Time On My Hands"Why I Rarely See Or Hear From My Wife

The Month Of June … If You Can See It.

This is my wife’s calendar. As you can see, or not see, there is no room on it for me! Actually, this IS her master calendar for the month of June. Usual stuff, couple of surgeries, some swimming lessons, teach Bible school, hi-jack nuclear warheads from Kerplakistan, you know, usual stuff. This is one of those things that I was lucky enough to have learned in college: Time Management. “A” is a master at keeping up with what’s going on. Having kids will do this to your nice clean calendar.

If you were ever in a fraternity or organization in college you probably had to make some sort of appointments to get in and see people or talk to somebody. Then there was always the stuff you had to do for class. I owe so much to those guys in college who forced me to keep track of stuff with a cheap $1.00 organizer. I don’t keep a calendar now. The greatest lesson I learned was not to put anything on my calendar unless I HAD to or I wanted to do it. I really just learned not to write stuff down and remember it instead. Laziness is an incredible motivator for ingenuity.

I would usually lose a piece of paper or there wasn’t a pen to write with. So I just forced myself to remember. If it was really important, I asked someone else to write it down for me or I looked feverishly for a pen and I would remember it.

So next time you look at your calendar please remember my poor wife and pray that July will be less busy for her!

Styx “Too Much Time On My Hands” Listen

"All The Gold In California"Why And Who Sets Gasoline Prices

“$2.13 a gallon! Crap!” That was my first truly conscious thought this morning filling up at Wal-Mart. Wal-Mart is where I live now. I’ll die there soon and be burried under pump #3 in a plastic “Sam’s Club” coffin. The sudden spike in gas prices, again, just reminded me I needed to write this post. I’ve been a good net dweeb and did my research.

As humans, our first reaction is to blame the political party in power for the high price of oil. Although I am not against this practice, I am against the practice of placing unnecessary and uneducated blame.

A few weeks ago I seriously heard someone blame the weather on George Bush. It was just ridiculous. That’s not ignorant, that’s just stupid. So who does set the price of oil. Well …

I did my homework because I wanted to know myself how this thing worked. This coming from someone that grew up around the oil industry. Someone whose parents depended on oil for their livelihood. Someone who swore never to enter the oil industry.

Check out this link.

It’s a picture. It says that the U.S. is the #2 produces of crude oil. That’s the raw material gasoline is made of. It’s the tree of paper products. We produce 8.84 bbl/day we consume 20.0 bbl/day. That means we consume more than we produce. So we have to get our oil from some other place than American soil. So we are at a disadvantage already.

Exhibit 2.

And here is where our lives as the American consumer falls apart. Basically, this article says who has the power in setting oil prices. The big producers of oil in the U.S. are Texas, Oklahoma and Louisiana. The balance of who set the price depended on how much OPEC and Texas produced and a little group known as the Texas Railroad Commission. The odd named division of http://www.texas.gov and http://www.rrc.state.tx.us/ that controls and regulates oil production in Texas. If Texas limited the supply of oil it produced then it would have a say in world oil prices. In 1971 something happened to change that balance.

Throughout the post war period exporting countries found increasing demand for
their crude oil but a 40% decline in the purchasing power of a barrel of crude.
In March 1971, the balance of power shifted. That month the Texas Railroad
Commission set proration at 100 percent for the first time. This meant that
Texas producers were no longer limited in the amount of oil that they could
produce. More importantly, it meant that the power to control crude oil prices
shifted from the United States (Texas, Oklahoma and Louisiana) to OPEC. A little
over two years later OPEC would through the unintended consequence of war get a
glimpse at the extent of its ability to influence prices.

So if you want to blame somebody, you need to look first to the Texas Railroad Commission for letting oil be produced so freely. Then you need to discover who the governor and the lieutenant governor of Texas were in 1971 who allowed this to happen. Then you need to go after the OPEC’ers (“Iran, Iraq, Kuwait, Saudi Arabia and Venezuela. By the end of 1971 six other nations had joined the group: Qatar, Indonesia, Libya, United Arab Emirates, Algeria and Nigeria.” See Here) for sticking it to us internationally.

And, how do we get out of this? First, we have to stop consuming so much. That’s next to impossible as more than just gas is made from crude oil. Plastics are completely made of oil. Next, we would have to eliminate tariffs, embargos and subsidies. We can’t compete unless we compete without government help. This means no subsidies for American producers or tariffs against foreign exports. We then need to explore more enthusiastically alternate fuels. We have tons of corn for corn-based fuels. We have so much farmers can’t sell it. We also have to investigate hydrogen fuel cells more thouroughly as well as solar and wind power.

The down side to this is that some major industries will have to go through a revolution and nothing short. First, automakers will have to re-tool in the billions of dollars. Consumers will have to embrace the idea, and suppliers (mechanics, tool suppliers, etc.) will have to re-educate themselves. Oh ya, and unions will have to agree with this.

It ain’t happening in my lifetime unless there is something cataclysmic. So you better get used to high gas prices because they don’t go down and they won’t go down with a new president.

The Gatlin Brothers “All The Gold In California” Listen
I really think this one needs some explanation. This song is by a band that grew up near me in the oil fields. There’s your seven degrees of Kevin Bacon.

"Start Again"It’s A Nice Day For Monday School

I wanted to take an opportunity to share with you from my Sunday School class’s lesson. Hopefully, this will be 1.) A regular thing and 2.) Not something that will really put you off enough that you will stop reading. The scripture reference in this case is the entire Old Testament or, more specifically, Ezekiel chapters 7-11.

An idol is anything that takes the focus of our love, trust and devotion away from God. An idol in this day and age can be anything. Even religion or things like studying the Bible or prayer meetings can become idols. I don’t see many of the little tin god idols anymore unless I’m in my local Chinese restaurant. I saw one Friday night picking up my take out food. They even had incense burning to it and I believe an orange was being offered to it.

That idol could do nothing to help me with my life. It was made of cheap plastic and poorly painted. Most importantly it was made by someone. It was an inanimate piece of plastic no more capable of bringing me peace in my life than a tuna fish sandwich.

Yesterday’s lesson was about idols. Today’s idols are much different than the idols we read about in the Old Testament. I don’t think people were unintelligent, look at the pyramids and other architectural wonders, but I think they were just very superstitious and that’s why they made their own idols. We don’t have to make our own idols today. Our lives have become idols.

What we do is turn our lives into idols. Our calendars are more important than our time with God, our kids, our recreational lives, our churches are sometimes nothing more than feel good clubs not much different than country clubs, our focus on our weight, our jobs, our exercise habits, how we look and on and on. So how do I know if something I’m doing is becoming an idol in my life?

There is a two-part litmus test you can do to test anything out. 1.) If you can’t stop doing it habitually, it’s an idol. And 2.) If it doesn’t give “good fruit”, then it’s an idol. What’s “good fruit”? Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, and things that fall in line with God’s word. If you are doing something it should bring you closer to God and more in line with what God wants from you in life. Is it for God or for you?

God wants you to have a great life and He isn’t a cosmic killjoy. He just wants you to not place the gifts He’s given in front of Him.

What are my idols? Food. I love food. The TV. I spend too much time watching TV and what I listen to on the radio. There are others. But those will get you started thinking.

Have a good day.

Billy Idol “White Wedding” Listen