(This post is dedicated to Mezmerotonous for her diligence and our common theme of a lifetime of trying.)
I had a conversation last night explaining my healthy mistrust of lawyers and doctors and I decided that it was time to come clean with why I comment about a time “not too long ago” or “when I was on meds,” and stuff like that. To get the full picture you have to go back years.
When I was about 8 or 9, I clearly remember being sad now and then. Not normal kid sad, but … sad. I once told my mom I was “worthless”, which in her depression-baby way immediately told me that was not true and I was in trouble if I thought that again. Maybe not the best parenting, but that moment in time has stuck with me along with the party at Shakey’s Pizza listening to ABBA minutes before.
I also had moments of extreme elation now and then. There were times I think people probably thought I was high. And I was and will always be clean and sober … as far as you know! But in those moments I was funny, energetic, positive and without sleep. I still have those moments now and then and sometimes they are strong and sometimes they are more subdued. Some of you might even remember my Catillion experience where I was dancing alone on the dance floor to Billy Idol’s “Dancing With Myself”. Uhhh, huh! Starting to see how it worked?
Fast forward to a few months before the wedding of Mr. And Mrs. Thunderfish. A was in a heated court battle with her ex “the-one-of-whom-we-do-not-speak” (TOOWWDNS). I was not dealing with it well so my primary care Dr. prescribed Zoloft until things settled down. I can’t tell you how great that was. I was calm relaxed and for moments now and then I actually had clarity of thought. Let me explain. My whole life, the inside of my head is like having a radio on all the time. Though it can be beneficial. I also can think much faster than the mere mortals around me. In fact my thoughts go so fast sometimes I can’t express them fast enough. This is a wonderful thing until you try to sleep. Now with Zoloft I could sleep and think. I thought, “Oh My Gosh!” ( in my most Chandler Bing way) “This is incredible!” It was like free-porn-for-life, the lottery and free Stars tickets all at once.
There were downsides, however. During the honeymoon. ummm, the pipes were laid, but it didn’t carry a lot of water, let’s say. It actually took a LONG time to seal the deal. Also about a month after I started taking Zoloft I became REALLY angry now and then. Rage type anger. It reminded me of when I took Paxil years ago and went off on a girlfriend for breaking the spaghetti. It was like someone else. Needless to say I had to do some good hiding at work while all this was taking place.
This all started a quest for better meds. I switched to Welbutrin XL ( low sex side effects ) life was good again for about a month and then the anger crept in. After that my primary doc suggested a psychiatrist. I felt relief that a professional would be able to diagnose me now. The conclusion was that I was bi-polar. A special kind type II which means I’m a rapid cycler. That means on multiple times a year I get these highs and lows. I knew that, I just thought everyone was like that. Mine is more like someone in their teens however. So now I’m stuck at 18. Not bad, vato!
So the shrink explains that we first have to get moods stable and ten we treat the other sides because you can’t treat depression without causing the mania/euphoria. Then you just get annoying or in my case angry. My euphoria comes out as anger. I must have gone through about 8 meds and never could get a handle on it. It was horrible.
– Resting heart rate of 160 beats per minute
– Constant diarrhea
– Sleeplessness
– Zombie behavior ( I don’t remember some things I only remember I was there and pictures of things )
– Agitation
– Depression
– Memory loss
And it seemed like nothing was working. And it wasn’t. It was really hard to find a psychiatrist here so I had to stay. Finally, the serious stuff hit.
My wife had gotten to wits end with it all and I felt like no one wanted me. This one med had caused deep depression. DEEP depression. I had decided in my mind that I was going to go to bed and when everyone was asleep I was going to take the bottle of sleeping pills and go to my car in the garage, my 1999 Honda Civi ( I’m missing the “c” on the end ) and start the engine and be done with it all.
There was only one problem. Little a. She was the only thing that I kept thinking about. “How is she going to live knowing her dad whacked himself,” “What man will marry my wife and take care of little a?” And finally, “I can’t leave her.”
So that was it. I called my doctor the next morning and said, “Enough!” He said, “Ok and most patients return a little while later.” I haven’t for about 3 years and I won’t ever. What happened next almost ended my marriage.
Any fool knows you don’t fill a person with mood altering drugs for 3 years and then cut them off cold turkey. Odd things happen. You see things, you hear things and the body reacts like it’s losing something desperately needed.
One morning I lost it with my wife for what reason I do not know, and I started packing my bags in a rage. Little a is watching it all crawling on the floor like nothing is wrong and I’m screaming at my wife just belittling her and … (silence) … bringing up stuff out of her closet and I mean she is taking it like the Germans on D-Day. She freaks out and lets me pack and put my stuff in the car. All the while I’m switching like a light bulb and playing with little a and just grinning and smiling and laughing and I put her down and I start the barrage all over again. I don’t think I have ever experienced anything quite so bizzar and frightening all at once.
With tears in her eyes she hands me the phone and just says, “It’s your mom.” My mom is a cardiac nurse and knows her pharm quite well. She tries to calm me down but I have NO logic left in me. It’s out the door long ago. So I take off up Texas 360 and I have no idea where I’m going to end up. I vaguely remember thinking Midland then Denver via Lubbock from there I have no clue. I’m plotting how to get enough cash so no one can find me or trace me and get where I need to go without hassle. Amazing how quickly my mind caught back up with the thinking process but not the filter of logic.
My wife is calling the dufuss shrink and he’s not answering his emergency number, so she calls me. And, by the grace of God, I start hearing her voice and calming down. My heart rate slows and I just go to work.
The days ahead weren’t always that great but that was the moment of my deepest madness. My mornings now and then will start with an occasional panic attack. Something I NEVER had before taking meds. But now I just shake and calm myself down and my wife just hugs me and I’m alright.
You might say, “How awful.” But I learned some valuable lessons. First, I learned that I can NEVER trust any emotion I have. I always have to filter it. See most of you do that now automatically. I didn’t have that mechanism. Second, I truly had some great friends and family. Lots of people would have left, and the bad ones did. Also, always check out your doctors. They are trained to prescribe medicine. It’s what they do. But meds can’t always cure you and in the hands of a bad doctor, you don’t know what will happen. Most important, God made you that way for a reason. Find that reason and thank Him that He made you warts and all. Finally, nothing is that bad. I promise even when you are in the depths of despair. It ain’t that bad. As Maxine says, “They can’t take your birthday away.”
Thanks for your time!
Jef
Edge Of The Blade 